Firsts

I was reading another mom's blog today about "firsts" and "lasts". "Firsts" are generally celebrated, cheered and looked forward to.....first steps, first birthdays, first day of school, etc... This mom talked about how "lasts" kind of sneak up on you. They may even escape your memory. For example, I don't remember the last time I brushed my teenage daughter's hair, tied my ten-year-old's shoes or picked out clothes for my eleven-year-old. It just happened gradually, no fuss, no fanfare.

For some of my children, there are a lot of "firsts" they don't remember or have not even been told about because no one was there to cheer or celebrate or document these special times for them. They don't know when they said their first word or took their first steps. There are no pictures of their first birthday or their first hair cut. A few of my girls really grieve over this loss. They often ask me questions like "What do you think was my first word?" or "How old do you think I was when I first started eating baby food?" or "Do you think I was bald or had lots of hair?".

For me this is sad for a couple of reasons. I hate to see my children so sad....when they are sad, I am sad. (guess it's a mom thing:) But I am also sad for me. I'm sad that I wasn't able to be there to cheer, celebrate and remember these things for them. Sad, that I missed out on part of their childhood. Sad, that they had to have a lot of "firsts" that they never should have experienced at all. Kids should not have to remember the first time the police came to the door to take them to a foster home or the first time the social worker interviewed them. It makes me sad to think of the life they had before adoption.

When we moved about four years ago, I remeber that one of my little RADlets became very scared, almost confused, at the idea of moving. We talked about it and to be honest I don't remember a lot about the conversation except that she said something about "switching mommies". I couldn't figure out what she meant for the longest time til I realized that the other times she had moved was from either from her birth mom's to a foster home, or from one foster home to another and then to our home. She had never just "switched houses" without "switching mommies". I guess that was a "first". The first time she had moved and not "switched mommies". Not really the kind of "first" you photograph and call the relatives about but a positive one none the less.

I guess the moral of this story is......sometimes you have to look hard for something positive to cheer about and celebrate.

Nobody Knows

I haven't added to this blog in a few days but I know I should be writing. As I've said before it is therapy for me and right now I feel myself slipping back into that pit. The pit of depression and despair. The place where all I can think is "why me" and "if you only knew" and "nobody knows the trouble I've seen".

Tonight we sat in Bible study and talked about relationships and forgiveness. The woman on the DVD talked about forgiving the man who was responsible for her son's death and I began to cry. When it was over we were led in discussion questions. I wanted to share what was going on in my head but who would understand?

I remember sharing with Christians in small groups before. I began to talk about our family and the difficult times we've had with our RADlets. Most of them just sat silently, mouth open with that "deer in the headlight" look in their eyes. They didn't know what to say.

Tonight I decided that it was best not to share at all but ended up crying all the way home. My poor husband.......

Right now we are in a situation that might even lead us to be witnesses in a court case. I am upset with the authorities in this case. I do not believe they are doing the right thing. When I was talking to my best friend about it she said she would pray for them. I said I probably should too but I don't want to! I haven't forgiven them yet nor do I have any desire to.

Yes, I know this is a bad attitude and God is working on me. Someday, I pray that I will be able to forgive.......for their sake and for mine.

Learning Things the Hard Way

This weekend, I watched my son's band play at a place called The Solid Rock Cafe'. As I watched him I began to wonder when he grew so tall and became so talented . I know this will make me sound really old, but it seems like just a yesterday I was teaching him to read.


I tried to teach him music but he was much too stubborn to learn from me....he had to do it on his own. I remember sitting him down at my piano trying to get him to play. He said he didn't want to play piano. He wanted to play drums.

We bought him drumsticks and a drum pad to learn on and told him that if he did well on that, we would buy him a used drum set. It never got to the point where we needed to worry about buying a set.

Then he found an old bass guitar and we bought a "how to" video for him to watch and learn from. I tried to help him but when I got further ahead in the book, he got mad and quit.


One day he saw a group of high schoolers that came to our church to play and sing. He said, "Mom, next year I am going to travel with that group and play bass." I said something like, "Sure, you should try out for the group. The audition will be a good experience for you."

After that he spent a lot of time with that "How to play Bass" video and got pretty good. He passed me up. But still, I encouraged him not to get his hopes up when trying out. Well, he made that group and was in it for three years. Now he is in college playing drums in a band . It just amazes me.


When I think back, he always had to learn things on his own....no matter what it was he was learning. He didn't like listening to others who have gone before him and know more. I'd like to say he picked up this quality from his dad, but that would be a lie.

How much easier would things have been for me if I had just been able to listen?! I have gotten better about learning from others as I have gotten older but I have to wonder if God doesn't look at me in the same way I look at my son, shaking his head saying, "My child, you always did have to learn things the hard way."